Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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