Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
