Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
