your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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