I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
