he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
then he tried to convert me to islam
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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