Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
