Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
