the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
