On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
