Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
