Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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