M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
