I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
