Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Jerry, you need to find god
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
