Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
