My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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