If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Found your dick twin last night
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
