remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
