Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
