I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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