Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
