Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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