You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
