sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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