i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
