A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
