just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
