I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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