i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
