After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
