We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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