Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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