Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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