Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
