My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
