I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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