i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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