my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
