she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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