This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
