Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
