life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
