where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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