WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
