Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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