When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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