i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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