Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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