the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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