Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
