These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Boobs are out for the taking
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
