Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
This house was built for laser tag.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
