When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
