I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he shaved USA in his pubs
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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