the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
