the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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