i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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