Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
