I cannot find my penis.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
